Chapter 43

Manifest Publishing, LLC; Zandria White 2019© All rights reserved. This book contains material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. 

Her heart was placed at the bottom of his shoe, but he begged for forgiveness  You allowed her to become comfortable in your absence And wonder why holding a pillow feels warm When she asked you to be a glass of water,

you sat back and laughed while she suffocated, quenched on her on tears, because you refuse to wipe them.  The only hydration she has was from her pain As much as she wanted to get up and pull back your skin she still loved you

Because somehow misery loved her company and you refused to admit the affliction. As much as she wants to harm you love was 143 degrees, but you expressed less then fifty. She can’t move and becomes numb, because her heart lies inside of you, at one point she made the decision where it was going to live and didn’t plan on taking it back.  now she’s here with an empty hole between you and her soul.

There’s entanglement between her mind and heart  Why must her mind go?  But the heart chooses to stay  how is this fair that he gets to smile and gets strength from my pain Now I understand the confusion  I thought I had the form of a perfect man  But you see fairytales aren’t real  As we learned kids

You deceived me of the pictures you painted before  I guess you were never mine and I’m a happy to no longer be yours  As our souls unlocked from this chapter  Because you realized my power and got scared acted out with this factious behavior  I’m walking away and claiming happily ever after.

Adopted by the Game

Before I was 18, everything he said was music to my ears; even with the rain drops he still made way to become my sunshine. I listened to everything, but my conscious. It sinked in daily almost swallowing my entrails, whispering “do not board that plane”. That was the last time I felt myself.

Everything in south central was bad, including the lack of love I got from family and friends, it was no turning back now, and he was all I had. The fear that overtook me, as he stood there, equal to a child taken from its mother at womb.

His brown and white faux fur coat and dreads down his back. I couldn’t forget the diamond on his pinky, I think I blinked the same time it sparked, hell we both winked. I knew at that moment I didn’t make the best decision and by how he looked at me, me leaving was not a option. The sound of a little girl crying did not open the eyes of anyone, not even when we got pulled over, many times.

The training in his eyes, well wanting to teach me how to perform oral sex, was my first time touching a man above my age frame, but the baby hair and baby teeth he saw did not turn him off. I was not his product and had to learn how to please my clients. Most would say to leave or bite it to hurt him, but those feelings, thoughts, and challenges I felt inside came with great pain. I never imagined being free after I was placed in the trunk of his car, dragged across our hotel room and sent back to the street with a black eye and bruises.

If I asked to stop he drove me to ditches and pointed out where my body would lay. The first client told me to scream ‘I’m your nigger bitch”. He was paying me a thousand dollars an hour and kept telling me to call my pimp. You can say the richest man in New York city knows the first city girls. You see even the ones you think don’t know, they do!

The teacher, the politician, the one who plays the stock market, and the owner of that expensive hotel that your family saves up to vacation at, they all loved my sweet 16 year old eyes. I guess you just become numb after a while, but you see verbal bruises don’t actually go away, they turn into anxiety, P.T.S.D, self-hate. He, my wifeys, and his pimp partners called it the game.

Most asked how I got away. Well some days I believed I was not there anymore or looked for other ways to escape. When I took pills hoping he would find me and let me go, it only brought me closer to his fist and hands wrapped around my throat. Most don’t believe sex trafficking is real, until you reveal and that doesn’t always prevail. It takes less than minute to ensure the safety of a child whom appears they are in harm, but it only took five seconds for them to turn the other cheek. The only answer was to lay and stay, until he got comfortable with leaving me alone, I finally got my chance when he went from New York to Philadelphia, leaving a four hour gap between us.

My freedom came between a cab driver and me pretending to be with a client, he thought something had happen to me and awaited downstairs at the W Hotel. When he realized it was all hoax. I was in another state, safe with a family member. I know you’re thinking I’m glad she got away. I was free physically, but mentally I freed for my life. My pimp told me I would only leave him in a body bag, but as the planes continued to fly so did my freedom.

Well it did not end there. He called me more than I could remember, repeatedly. ‘If you don’t come back I’ll kill give myself”. By now I’m 20 and I could not stomach the fact his life would be gone because of my choice, but in reality that was his decision and yet it all still worked out unfortunately in his favor. You see one thing pimps are good at is brainwashing, manipulating and suffocating you between drowning and dehydration. I was back there before I could even enjoy a cooked meal with my sister, he was all I knew and somehow it felt okay. Thats the feeling of hopeless without purpose, this time I really begin to give up, even though he promised not to hit me anymore I was pleasing him, but hurting myself. That part of the game, submission and when you don’t have anyone looking for you, he was getting away with it and my freedom was now atheistic.

He took the ten thousand from me I stashed to get away from him and never trusted me again. He some how made himself the victim, but deep down I knew God had a better life for me. Many will question my choices and decisions looking back isn’t something I could change, but going forward I define my path. Miki Blu, let me go home for thanksgiving after my twenty-third birthday, with a promise to return, I never looked back!

My psychologist prescribed me Prazosin, Escitalopram and Hydroxyzine.

The only responsibility a selfish person has; is to have a testimony and not use it to serve the purpose of others.

— Zandria White.

Dear Anxiety Poem

Manifest Publishing, LLC; Zandria White 2019© All rights reserved.

This material is protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited.

All I want is peace so I can move forward
but you’re a selfish coward
hoping I give up and say I can no longer take this
but that’s too easy and I refuse to let you win
I get cold sweats in my sleep
even with the AC 
Accepting broken love
from those that don’t deserve it
Over and over I fight myself
why bother picking up the pieces.
My heart steady race
I fletch for no reason
I’m Always afraid
I dream constantly of
someone kidnapping me
and although it was once my reality
eight years still seems like yesterday
and as I pray 
when I take these pills he will find me and let me go
but it only brought me closer to his fist and hands around my throat 
Given so much drugs
I forgot who I was
and sometimes I’m judged 
and laugh at
like I wanted that 
they say why I never went to the police
as if we share 
the same shoes 
in my captivity
But on another note I am idolized for being on top
but I’ll climb back to the bottom 
just to get you to stop 
Dear anxiety 
I refuse to still feel like a traffic slave
I’m standing here, why must I feel like I’ve died that day 
when all I wanted was to go back home 
but he said die or stay
I’m glad I never lost hope
but you make it so hard to trust anyone
so I don’t even seek help.
I started to feel like I deserved this,
so at one point I blame myself
my heart has so many holes
I’ve been so afraid to tell my story
but it’s time I release
you and let go
I’m tired of going to the store just to forget what I came here for
Can’t go outside past six
because my mind says it’s about to happen again 
in the dark who is my witness
More tears from my mom eyes like
where are you
where did you go
where have you been
Dear anxiety I refuse to be your victim
they can continue to judge me 
I’m make a difference
With or without them
I am here today to take a stand
for everyone that never spoke up 
in those still in 
it’s called the game for reason baby girl 
and I’m sorry that you never 
got Love at home
But the promises he gives you it’s all pretend because in reality those
black eyes and bruises 
or not worth it
And as for you anxiety
I’m done with you lingering around me like a envious friend
cause last time I checked happiness starts from within
So trust me, stay home
and listen to your parents
Cause you can be the next Jane doe
Who couldn’t get out or take it no mo’
a unmarked grave,
Or like my friend Nicole
Who was found under
the bed at
that hotel
Didn’t make it see 18
plastic wrap from head to knees
around her throat
Scratches and rope
If only we lived in a better world
and humans no longer were priced
so for now, starting today
I claim victory over victim
Free from anxiety and no longer afraid.

 



Fornicated Love Spell

As I sit here and become possessed

My body at grovel. I suffer to speak and swallow.

My words

The become so erratic

As I beg for my liberty and Justice

I once had a notion

To obtain my silence

And control these flashbacks and voices

But some how my past is inevitable

Where at random, I’m found in a dark hole

As much deep breaths I pause and take

I fail to levitate

And consume by gravitation

Dismiss my breath with suffocation 

My peace at a void

And the only way out is to obey

His pleasure and my R.A.P.E rape

Where he provokes

Begins to choke

Pull, tear and rip everything including my skin

And entrails

I scream loud as I can but still, I failed

And even when he let me go,

I could still feel his cold touches’

At what I call my intersection

Of my temple

Shaking as I still beg for my freedom

I close my eyes and ask myself can I finally blossom.

Multiple faces…3 seconds

It all happen so fast, one minute I was happy the rest all flash. I’m now life less and held down while my friend begin to shove pills in my mouth. I could hear many voices speaking, but never make out what they said, but before all this it was just me and my friend.

They continued to yell “Ms do you know who you are”? right before they strapped me down breathless. I scream to the top of my lunges as they take me prisoner, for my own safety and used a excuse “She has behavioral problems” to give safety. Over the notion I would not have accepted.

My niece stood over me as we caught eye contact. I begin to see my Abductor flashing in front of me. I’m screaming not to stay home, but telling him to stop hitting me. I repeated my self over and over as pounds of ice were poured over my trembling body. He stands there laughing calling me every name in the book and as much as everyone in the room, including the security that knocked of the door, my nice said no one was touching me. I can still feel him even now.

Tanea! Tanea! Don’t let him kid nap me ! and then down the elevator they took me. As much as I can remember from August 17th wasn’t much, but the bruises on my body and arms told the story for me. I was bleeding from the inside because all I wanted was to stay home. I could hear his voice “Don’t be afraid; I’m the way, truth and life”

The tugs and pulls started again They screamed at me. No! Your not going home until the Dr. say so. One held my hand and the other said to hang up the phone, as they took me down four flights of stairs. I begged, screamed, scratched and pulled, but the paramedics went null. I begged and cried for the man God sent me and as I realize, most don’t come to leave. I’m alone, me and my anxiety.

We all want to live in this perfect world and if you can even settle for 70%-80%, but its far from satisfaction.

Why does your pain become their whips Their guilt become your stripes Why does appreciation always come at the end of a over due apology Their fear of seeing your successful is defined as “I have PTSD” removing the I and added “She”

The next morning my leasing offices send me a letter stating they are concerned about not only me, but mainly the neighbors around me due to a “Welfare Check” of a 911 call. It only took three seconds to dial those numbers, but the 1 second your anxiety starts you are no longer in control of your life.

When you intimidate people react in silent, remember no one ever hears the lightning strikes. They only can see them, but when a storm is created everyone fears the of thunder. -Zandria White

When you question why, Change your MINDSET!

We all get in those dark places… Alone ?Scared? Unstable? Bad relationship? Entanglement?and at then we become lost on what to do next.

Have you ever considered that maybe where you are is a good place to be. Why? Because mostly all our challenges in life come from our deepest fears, challenges and relationships.

Sometimes you can not get away from something because the test isn’t over yet. During college you couldn’t hand in your test or that 25 page paper without it being completed, unless you didn’t want the full journey of that course.

When you go through trials and tabulations, change from an in-ward mindset to an out-ward one. If we think about where we are today and with the end in mind our conclusion will always be the same. “A test is a test so it can be used as a tes-timony “ this journey we call stress or pain will soon be used to deliver someone else from the same situation, only quicker!

You can go where you want to go from wherever you start, as long as your trust the path God have you. Do you know where to start, right there you are and right now.

How? If you have a dream without action then you are just dreaming, but when you become relentless to your dream, you create vision.

There’s nothing to be gained by complaining or the lack of effort, instead let’s use our journeys and become POWERFUL.

If we change our mind set from inward to outward , the results are far more rewarding. 🧩.

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